This was a bad idea.

Why is it I can view the world in a positive light at work, but not at home? Maybe it's because I force myself to so I don't just ragequit my job.

So tonight, dear readers, for the lack of having decent platforming games to write about (lawls work and stuff), so instead, I headed off to http://www.addictinggames.com/, and decided that I would pick a game from each genre and play it and write a little blurrrrb on it. It starts with Action (stereotypical) and ends with Life & Style (which I’m a little afraid of). I could have put this off until tomorrow, but I couldn’t have, because I need to finish my article for the Escapist tomorrow. And I’ve got sort of a new idea in mind for this blog, maybe to take it in a new direction or something. We’ll see if I can find the time to actually do it.

ACTION!

(Okay, as an aside, I clicked action games, and got a “Parking Lot” game. You know, those shitty puzzles where you have to work the car into a specific place? Okay first of all, I already have to do that whenever I drive. When I’m playing games I’m trying to get AWAY from reality. Secondly, those parking games are full of action. With cars going like 5 mph. Yeah, man, going like 100? That’s SO overrated.)

So, ignoring Addicting Games’ apparent inability to sort things into the appropriate genre, I looked at the list of games ahead of me. So many choices, even though there were a fair amount of puzzle games. Eventually I settled on Electric Man 2. I click on it to open it up and get a screen that reminds me of a spazzy Matrix. You know, the green and black motif…except it was spazzing out so bad it looked like it was on crack. But oh well. Apparently it’s a game about stick people fighting each other to figure out which one is the best (*cues Pokemon theme*). So, after giving the instructions page a quick look-over, I entered the real game.

I am greeted at first by a character creation screen with a couple of aura colors to give my character. My choices weren’t especially varied, so I picked white on the off-chance there would be a white background and I wouldn’t be able to see it. And for a name, I decided “3-D Flat Stick Man” would be adequate in an attempt to be clever. But it was too long, so “3-D Flat” it was.

So then there’s the tutorial. Did you know you could run left and right with the left and right keys? What a surprise. Incidentally, the background is white. Bwahaha. I’m not going to bore you with the details. However, if you throw someone into the air and then don’t move, they land on you, which I found very funny. Also, they continue to rip off the Matrix with slow-motion moves. But in all honesty, it SEEMS like the creator put a lot of thought into how the attacks would function based on the amount of enemies around you, their position relative to yours, and whether you’re standing or running.

Hang on a sec, lemme play a few matches so I can be disappointed.


Wow, okay, so that was pretty cool. The moves do change. There’s a standing move, running move, and a move when you have one person on either side of you. It’s fun to play and the sound effects of people getting hit made me giggle. However, when I got to the fourth match, I had almost lost all of my health, and I was worrying about the next four (they comes in rounds of four). So maybe I just suck. Let’s see…yup. Lost the sixth match. Oh well. Honestly, I’m not sure I want a flash game that requires skill. That sounds bad, but if I’m playing a flash game, then I seriously have nothing better to do with my time (or I’m writing a blog article). But anyways, if you like flash fighting games, give it a go, it’ll at least amuse with a Matrix ripoffs and sound effects of shit getting hit.

SPORTS!

…Ugh. You know what, let’s just skip it.

PUZZLE!

Oh look, the parking lot game is here too. What the fuck, Addicting Games? Anyways, I’ve never been a fan of puzzle games, really. Ever heard of “Professor Layton and the ”? Well, it’s a puzzle game, and it’s pretty much the antithesis of me. Ugh. I can never figure those damn things out.

Anyways, let’s see the mess we have here. “The Vision Test”? Okay, here goes. “Instructions: Read the text. Click the correct answer.” Mmhmm, well, can’t be that hard.

Why is there an asterisk next to “The Vision Test”?

…Okay, so it gives you a word in some bizarre shape and then 4 options, 2 of similar words and 1 that’s the word written above. You have to click the same word that’s shown. Really boring. Don’t even bother with it. Moving on.

SHOOTING!

Actually, I really like the sniping games in this section and I’ve played them all already. Buuut, I’m trying to stick to stuff that I haven’t played so…hmm, how about a zombie shooter? ((Oh shit, “sextreme catapult”!))

I’m already regretting this.

“Ragdoll Zombie Slayer”. No, I did NOT actually play the sex game (or did I?). I’m amazed at how much more simple these games have been compared to the first one. Booting it up, I see a screen that’s very red with some sort of death-metal song playing. I suppose that’s cool? This game can be summed up very easily.

Shoot in front of main character who is dressed in some sort of “badass” biker outfit. Aim up when the zombies load up their catapult and fire their brethren at you. If you hit them once, though, you don’t have to worry about the flying ones. Also, apparently the zombies occasionally load up extra bullets and health in their catapults. Strange. So I wonder if all zombie shooters are like this? That mindless? I know Left 4 Dead is a little more fun to play. Or at least watch.

ARCADE!

Hahaha! Okay, I know I was going to stick to stuff I hadn’t played before, but “Karoshi Suicide Man”. It’s a funny game where your goal is the opposite of most games. Instead of living, your goal is to kill yourself (how many of you guessed that at the name? Let’s see hands.). It seems simple at first, and it is, but some of the puzzles get kind of tricky, as you have to use a bullet to indirectly kill yourself (it wouldn’t be any fun if you could just AIM at yourself).

Besides, if you worked in a cubicle and couldn’t even aim a gun at yourself, I think you would want to kill yourself too.

…Who has a workplace with that many spikes lying around, anyhow?

STRATEGY!

I don’t like this genre of gaming too much either, to be honest. But…well, there’s a game called “World Domination”, and I could use the practice, to be honest, soo…

((Interjection: What the fuck? There are ads before the games, and it opened with something along the lines of “Do you have problems with disbelief? You may if you can’t believe I’m interrupting your programming.” The ad goes on to be a fantastically clever ad about people who don’t believe in things like gravity and are crazy.

It turned out to be advertising a fiber supplement thingy. I have never been so disappointed in my life. We’re wasting these clever advertisers on fiber products? Really? Don’t we have more important things to advertise? Like decent video games?))

The World Domination title screen is pretty epic. I say that because I missed the opening movie because I was writing about that awesome ad. Looking at the screenshot of the main game panel they have in the instructions, it looks like I’m going to be in the Pentagon, with the panels they might use there. There’s a missle/nuking side and then a people/defensive side. You see the leaders at the top, and then it looks like you pick stuff to bomb on the right. Cool. Let’s get started. Oh snap! I can select my ENEMIES. Oh man. Ahahaha. Ahahahaha! Okay. We’ve got…oh, I’m just going to list them all because this is cracking me up. Shiron, G.W. Bash, Vedil Costra, Nutty Bilar (bwahaha, this one cracks me up even more for some reason), Osumo Ben Lada (though this one is good too – Osumo!), Quin Quichan, Soddom Hassien, Kum Jing (I laughed. I admit it.), Vlodimar Pitun, and Col. Kodoffi. That’s fantastic. So, in order to make this the most ridiculous fight ever, I decided to pick a fight with Nutty Bilar, Quin Quichan,Vlodimar Pitun, and Col. Kodoffi. Oh snap! I can also choose my religion/ideology. We have Islamic, Communist, Christian, and Judaism. Deciding to lower the odds against me even more, I picked Judaism.

So, I start, and to be honest, I’m a little overwhelmed. Let’s do a little math. There are 10 block of different options and 4 options on all of them except for 1, which has 3. This leaves me with a grand total of 39 options of SHIT I CAN DO. Okay, so it’s not all available right off the bat, but you can still see it. It’s a little overwhelming. So, I opted to upgrade my spy ability first because that’s how I roll. I then got the option to buy the full version of the game. My first thought was: There’s a full version of this game? My second thought was: Who the hell would buy a full version of this game? I sent a spy to spy on Quin Quichan, who I thought would be the most suspicious. My hilariously inept spy got killed the second he got there. Dammit. There’re too many options on here and my eyes hurt.

ADVENTURE!

There’s a game called “Escape the Lion Cage”. Here’s my master plan. 1. Get eaten. 2. Don’t die. 3. Get removed as excrement. 4. Reform into self. 5. ??? 6. PROFIT! I’m a genius. I know.

“City Jumper”! This sounds cool.

…It’s not, really. You press left to jump a little bit and right to jump a lot. You jump over buildings. Okay, here’s a new rule. When you make a game, step back and evaluate the awesomeness of it. If it’s not that awesome, don’t take a name that sounds cool and use it. Or like, at least put an asterisk next to the title or something.

LIFE & STYLE!

You were all looking forward to this one too, huh? Yeah, you don’t need to lie to me.

Why are there a bunch of porno games in this section?

Well, because I’m tired and now lazy, I opted for the game “Whack your Soulmate”. The term “game” is used loosely here. You have two people and a couple of objects around their feet. Click an object, and they kill each other with it. Not really a game but amusing nonetheless, especially since I find the concept of marriage itself amusing.

…HOLY SHIT. In one of them, someone ACTUALLY GETS POOPED ON. Your homework is to find out which one!

That’s it. Go home.

Want to tell this author what you think, but you don't want anyone else to see it? Think she's full of it and need to set her straight? Want to worship the ground she walks on? Well, good luck with that last one, but you can email Chrys at catharticgamer@yahoo.com and at least tell her what you think.