Paper Mario Party Members (At least it isn't Mario Party...)

It's a long road ahead. Everything you want seems so far away. But you're on the path to get it, and you know it's only a matter of time.
To the three people that commented: You are wonderful people and I love you.

So, remember that time I said I hope I'll be able to say that Paper Mario is great and amazing and all that? Well, I decided to plop down (I make that noise when I sit down) and play some for a few hours...looks like about two or three. Well, I finally got past the somewhat boring beginning, and I got the first star piece I need to. And, you know, once I got past the prologue, I really began to enjoy the game.

I can see how this game might've disappointed purists of the Mario series, with the addition of some sidekick characters, but they're really making the game for me. And so, to them I will dedicate a little blurb on the three I've encountered so far, along with a thanks.

First of all, we have this little character named Goombario. As you may have guessed by the originality of his name, he's a Goomba.

This fellow here. He's got a hard head.

The sidekick characters don't come with a huge variety of moves. They usually only have two battle moves and one field move. For this guy, we've got the moves "Headbonk", "Tattle", and "Spew off random shit that gives no additional info whatsoever". That last one is the official name. I was up in a fortress, having Bullet Bills fired at me, so I talked to him to get some hints on what to do, and he comments on how it's refreshing up there. But besides the smidge of retardation, he's not a bad fighter. It's nice that he can fight aerial enemies, like the freak Goombas with wings, or the even greater freak, the Koopas with wings. But since he's the first sidekick you get, he doesn't do very much damage. Which brings us to the next sidekick, and my personal favorite so far...

You know those blue shells in Mario Kart that just FUCK over whoever's in first place?...No? Well, there's this item you can get that just fucks over whoever happens to be in first place...

No I'm serious, if you're in first place you'll just get bombed by a fellow that looks an awful lot like this...

Let me introduce to you a little guy named Kooper. Suffice to say that this Koopa is superior in every way to your first sidekick. For starters, his field move is far more useful than "Spew off random shit that gives no additional info whatsoever". What happens is Mario jumps on him and he flies off in the direction that you aim him in, grabs any items in his path, and returns to Mario. I really like that. I have no idea how he hovers across the gaps to hit things Mario can't, but hey, acceptable breaks from reality, right? Momentum or something.

And don't even get me started on how well this little bugger FIGHTS. For starters, he's the only one that can kill a bob-omb about to explode without getting dicked over for it. That's just nice in and of itself. He can attack by flinging himself into one enemy or every grounded enemy on screen. This is so awesome. Since knocking something to the ground is just a matter of jumping on them, everything gets knocked to the ground pretty quick. And then-- BAM. Just smack everything on-screen. And toss that in with a fire flower if you're feeling lazy? Trash mobs (that's non-boss mobs for you people not in the know) don't stand a chance.

However, there is one more sidekick you get within the span of the first dungeon. And she's just perfect for boss fights...

Her eyes are closed because she's about to EXPLODE, not...oh jeez...And did you know, she's the only immortal bob-omb in the game? Every other one dies when it explodes.

I'm not sure who decided that the first female sidekick should be a bob-omb, but...well, you see the results. Her name is Bombette. Er...honestly, every time I look at it, I feel like it'd make a good stripper name. At least it's not "Bombella" or something to that effect...

For those of us that are slow out there, Bombette's field ability is blowing herself up. You set her down, she walks forward a little bit, prepares for the pain of blowing herself up, explodes in a shower of confetti...and then falls from the sky, ready to do it all over again. Yes, she will willingly do this for you as many times as you wish, even though you just helped her to escape prison (she says it was for trying to blow someone up, but I think it was more like "blow someone"...) by pointing out the obvious fact that she should have just blown up the wall. Anyways, because of that, you get a willing prostitu--...suicide bomb--...erm...sidekick.

Bombette's strength in battle is not against many, but against one, since she doesn't even have a mouth, she has to work a little...okay, I'll stop. But really, she's a strength again one mob rather than four, because of her ability to blow herself up. Yes, that's all she's really good for, killing herself. For my amusement, I'll have her attack other bob-ombs that are about to explode as well. Not only is she attacking her kin, but she gets knocked out for a turn too. Muahahaha. Um. I mean. She can run up to an enemy, and if you mash the A button fast enough, she'll explode and hit for like 4 points of damage. For a frame of reference, that's twice as much Mario can do with a regular attack, and twice as much as it takes to kill a normal Goomba. It may not seem impressive, but when you stack that with Mario's "Jump on the opponent's face 9001 times" move, it makes for a fairly impressive amount of damage. Her other move is not worth mentioning because it seems to me like it just doesn't hit for a lot. Though, for those who want to know, it's a body slam.

Even though I mocked the last sidekick, I do appreciate what they (the latter two) bring to the party. The ability to grab items out of my reach and to blow shit up and having a prostitute around when I get lonely is just great. Wait, what? I said I'd stop? Damn. Fine, fine. Anyways, it is to these (two) great characters that I say "Thank you. Thank you for aiding me in my quest to collect badges and random items. Also, the damage you add in battle is invaluable."

Commenting is for cool people. Or at least, that's how I measure how many people are reading this. If someone knows how to track hits...

SHE'S A PROSTITUTE FOR GOD'S SAKE AND NOBODY CAN TELL ME OTHERWISE.

Want to tell this author what you think, but you don't want anyone else to see it? Think she's full of it and need to set her straight? Want to worship the ground she walks on? Well, good luck with that last one, but you can email Chrys at catharticgamer@yahoo.com and at least tell her what you think.