J'ai une rhume. *cough cough puke*

So yay, I've had a nasty cold and have felt like shit the past few days. But perhaps due to that I've had time to do a streak of gaming, so I'm going to write up a couple of articles now and post 'em up over the next few days. I am such a liar. Seriously. What the hell was I thinking when I wrote that?

Yeah man, this sucks, I've been sick the past few days and I have this horrible headache right now and man it huuurts. And I keep coughing up phlegmy shit and having to spit it out in class, it's a pain. Oh yeah, I have some stuff to write.

In 1985, Minnesota Educational Computing Company decided it wanted to make a game to help educate people on the trials of heading West, during Manifest Destiny and shit. So those folks at that company clonked their heads together and busted out their 2-bit graphics and rolled out the sensation that thrilled everyone in the two generations behind mine, Oregon Trail. Evidently this was a top-of-the-line game at the time...Because that's the only way I could imagine this shit actually being fun. Or that it's so bad it's good, which is actually my preferred theory.

So I ended up playing this game due to a long, complicated series of events. Really, it takes quite a bit for me to subject myself to this sort of thing. Let's see. You start off at this screen:

It's wonderful, isn't it? Oh, this takes me back to the days when I was lingering in nonexistance, or perhaps the year I spent in my mother's womb. So we begin by selecting what we want to do. Oh, and you can play this game here, if you're feeling masochistic or perhaps planning a torture session. Anyways, I recommend starting by pressing "4" and then "Return" as this game refers to it, to turn the sound off. It's the most obnoxious 2-bit music I've ever heard - usually it's adorable and...well, good, but this is just like a really loud cat. Cute at first, but then awful and obnoxious for the remainder of its life.

So you can start out as a banker, carpenter, or farmer:

Of course, only pussies start out as anything other than a farmer because if you start out as a carpenter, or heaven forbid, a banker ((*snort*)), you DON'T GET FULL POINTS AT THE END. So. We start out as a farmer.

D'aww. Look at this adorable family. We've got our oxen, the caravan, a little baby of questionable gender inside, and then a happy family with the gun-toting iron-fisted husband while the wife winces away with her two elder children. Damn, I could argue this game is totally an analogy for republicans and democrats. Anyways, let's name our little family...

Ah, damn, I almost made it without naming one of them "Fagballs". Oh well. Unfortuantely, from that point on it really doesn't matter what you named them because the only time you'll care what you named them is when they get sick and then die shortly after. Anyways, here we being our journe-

Oh come on. Stop giving me options. Okay, so I'm not entirely sure exactly which month is the best to start in. I usually start in May. So now we're ready to start our journ--

God damn it. Alright, since the game seems so FUCKING INSISTANT on delaying your progress into the expanding world, we have to go to Matt's shop.

But don't just blindly listen to Matt! He's out to see you faiiil. He says he can supply you with everything you'l need - and indeed, he can. Oxen, clothes, Food, Ammunition, and spare parts - he's got it all. But don't be fooled because he can sell you everything - you only get so much money. Also, if you have to buy food, you lose. You might buy food if you were a banker...but if you were a banker you've already lost. No no no, how you get food in this game is by hunting buffalo! Man up, what are you doing traveling the wide open plains and not shootin' shit? So. The shooting minigame...

Okay, check out this shit. A novice and anyone who doesn't have nine fingers on one hand will be using the arrow key setup. Who the HELL could use that RIDICULOUS setup below it? "Experts"? And wasn't this made in a time where being an alien WASN'T socially acceptable? ((barrumph bumph pssssh)) Anyways, the hunting game looks like this...

The white thing there is you. Lovely graphics, aren't they? I feel like an alien come to earth in a weird suit when I play this minigame. So ideally, you want to shoot a mass of pixels that resemble a buffalo.

Something like that. So, it looks like I could hit it, right? Well...I will only say this once:

GOD FUCKING FORBID YOU BE ONE COCK TWISTING PIXEL OFF.

Demonstrated:

"Oh yeah this'll hit easy."

"...FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"

The buffalo then turns and moves offscreen before you can get the controls to turn you left, move down, then turn right again. Repeat until you X out of this shitty shitty game.

Sigh. I have one last thing I have to post though. The reason I was doing this was for part of a challenge to beat the score of 7941. Well, after much time spend on this shit...

TO THE ISSUANT OF THE CHALLENGE: I expect you to work on that thing I told you to by NEXT WEEK, dammit.

Want to tell this author what you think, but you don't want anyone else to see it? Think she's full of it and need to set her straight? Want to worship the ground she walks on? Well, good luck with that last one, but you can email Chrys at catharticgamer@yahoo.com and at least tell her what you think.